The World According to Oatney

You know you live in Cincinnati...

Since it is evident that my days in this great city (for all its political faults heretofore reported on this web log) are numbered, I should point out that I love the place and the people. Cincinnati has real problems, enough of them to drive me to move, but if the people would begin to correct those problems, this city would be a great city again, and be the hub of Republicanism and conservatism that it was known to be not so very long ago. In tribute to the ideals and the culture that Cincinnati should uphold, I am posting here a tribute...

You Know You Live in Cincinnati... (thanks to Dr. Gary Johnston)


* You add an "s" to the end of grocery store names, such as Kroger(s), Meijer(s).

* Your city managers and mayors become qualified political leaders by
anchoring local news programs.

* You drive on shoulderless roads with hyphenated names, roads that change
names at county lines, and roads known by multiple names (i.e.,
Cincinnati-Dayton, Irwin-Simpson, Fields-Ertel, Socialville-Foster,Hamilton-Mason,Loveland-Madeira,
Reading-42-Reading-42-Cincinnati/Columbus).

* You refer to the animal shelter/dog pound as "the SPCA", much to the
bewilderment of individuals who have not lived in a city with this independent, non-government organization.

* You believe LaRosa's is fine Italian dining and carry a "BuddyCard".

* You think a Xavier University education is worth $20,000 per year and that
the Xavier name is as nationally recognized as Harvard, Stanford, or
Princeton.

* You'll go to your grave reminding people that Pompilio's was in the movie
Rainman.

* You can understand traffic reports which ignore road names and use phrases
such as "Cut-in-the-hill," "the Lockland split," "the Lockland Canyon,"
"Turkey-foot," "Five-Mile," "The S-Curve," and "Ward's Corner."

* Someone mentions a three-way, and you think of chili instead of sex.

* Instead of saying "what?" or "huh?" you say "please?".

* Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union (United Dairy
Farmers).

* You can't hear the words "Mike Brown" without getting angry.

* You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of
Fame.

* You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know what to do with.

* You somehow have a soft spot for Marge Schott.

* Your favorite Coney Island isn't in New York.

* You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney. [You're also showing
your age].

* You know how Jerry Springer got his start.

* You know what a Pony Keg is.

* You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer, Guckenberger,
Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering.

* You know what brats and metts are, and you've probably tasted goetta.

* You know that cars (like eggs) are cheaper in the country.

* An all-boys or all-girls school doesn't seem that odd to you --(since
there's probably one in your neighborhood, and maybe you even went to it).

* You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a West Sider.

* You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright
red.

* Someone says "Norwood" and you automatically laugh -- (unless you actually
live there).

* You can visit California, Lebanon, and Moscow -- and go Over-the-Rhine --
all in the same day.

* You hate Cleveland (even though you've probably never been there).

* You think Clermont County is only slightly more civilized than Afghanistan.

posted by Deacon David Oatney @ 8:31 AM